Stoke City’s £151M Budget on Verge of Scrambling After Wild Transfer Spree and Inflatable Unicorn Mishap

Stoke City FC’s financial health is reportedly in “imminent turbulence” as club insiders reveal the club’s £151 million budget for the 2025/26 season is on the verge of collapsing — not due to player wages or stadium upgrades, but a mixture of ill-advised transfer gambles and a shocking inflatable unicorn incident during a team-building retreat.

According to a leaked internal report, the Potters’ bold strategy to “buy every vaguely talented midfielder in the Championship” has backfired. In total, the club has spent £96 million on 13 central midfielders, three of whom allegedly thought they were signing up for a cooking show on Channel 5.

Chairman John Coates was overheard muttering “we’ve accidentally signed the same player twice under two different names” after realizing that both “Lucas M. Silva” and “Silva M. Lucas” were, in fact, the same 24-year-old Portuguese journeyman.

But the financial mess doesn’t end there. A £4 million “team chemistry” trip to Ibiza, meant to forge bonds ahead of the preseason, took a disastrous turn when a floating yoga session on inflatable unicorns ended with seven players being rescued by the Spanish coast guard — including their record signing, who is now ruled out for three months with what doctors describe as “saltwater-induced existential fatigue.”

Fans are divided. Some say the board is “ambitious but misguided,” while others have taken to social media under the trending hashtag #UnicornGate, calling for a full financial audit and the immediate return of former manager Tony Pulis “just to scare the waste out of the spreadsheets.”

Club spokesperson Millie Grant insists “everything is under control,” before hastily hanging up the phone when asked about a £1.3 million consulting fee paid to a mysterious entity named “Football Wizardz Ltd.”

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