Former Everton Coach Set to Fight Cancer… and Win – With the Power of Pies!

Liverpool, April 8, 2025 – In an unexpected turn of events, former Everton coach, and all-around legend,

“Big” Dave Johnson has announced that he is preparing for the battle of a lifetime – but not against cancer.

No, Big Dave is set to fight the real enemy: a monstrous mountain of pies!

Despite rumors swirling about a health crisis, sources close to the ex-Toffees assistant coach confirm that Dave’s ongoing battle with cancer is nothing more than a cheeky ruse.

In reality, Dave has been facing an “undefeated foe” – an uncontrollable addiction to meat pies and his legendary “half-time pie parties” that have been keeping the club’s catering staff on their toes for years.

“It’s the pies that are the problem,” says Dave, munching on a steak-and-kidney variety mid-interview.

“They sneak up on you, don’t they? One minute you’re offering tactical advice; the next minute, you’re at the pie stall buying your fourth in one sitting. It’s a slippery slope!”

When asked how he plans to fight his “pie addiction,” Dave revealed he was going to take on his foe in the only way he knows how: one pie at a time. “If I can coach a midfield, I can handle a pastry. Bring it on.”

His doctor, Dr. Janet Crustington, has reportedly advised him to “cut down on the pies” but has also praised his optimistic attitude.

“We’re not worried about the cancer. I’m more concerned about the 12 pies he’s had this week.

That’s a record even for a football manager,” she said, shaking her head but laughing.

Dave’s fans are rallying behind him, with an official #PieFighter hashtag already trending on Twitter.

Some are even planning a charity event called “Pies for Dave” to raise funds for Everton’s youth academy – as well as a few extra pastry funds for the coach himself.

“I’ll beat this,” says Dave confidently. “One pie at a time.”

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